To cope with the range of emotions that our patients undergo after the procedure (Medical Abortion with Abortion Pills Mifepristone and Misoprostol or Cytotec) , we encourage them to make a reflection on their experience and share them with us and the world ( their personal data kept confidential). A “reflection” will help them unload much of that emotional baggage. This activity will surely benefit them a lot as they embark on the road to a full recovery and to a new beginning. Here’s one reflection from E, a 30-year old BPO team manager from Bacoor Cavite
Please see below for my reflection.
My name is E, I’m 30 years old working as a Team Manager in a BPO.
It’s been exactly 10 days since I completed the procedure. And it’s still haunting me.
I discovered that I was pregnant last week of July and it really shocked me. At my age, I should be excited to have another baby but that’s not what I felt. I’m a single mother to a 9 year old boy and what happened 10 years ago changed my entire life and my family. I disappointed my parents and I don’t want that to happen again as I’ve seen the sacrifices they made in helping me raise my child. I can’t afford to have another child out of marriage. The father of my kid is like a companion, a friend with benefits and I don’t think both of us would take the relationship to the next level. He’s not ready to be a father and I am not ready to be a mother again out of marriage. So I decided the baby needs to go.
I searched online on how to do let it go. I tried to do the herbal procedure but it’s too late as I’m already 8 weeks on the way when I discovered it. The herbal procedure is really stressful and I stopped it 3 days after doing it. Then I opted for the second option, the medical procedure. That’s when I wrote to Project 486 <email@example.com>.
The secretary, Alex, replied promptly to my inquiry. He asked a lot of information before divulging any information. It’s to protect their team and myself too as their client. After sending the pre-requirements needed, Alex assigned me to a consultant. John, my consultant, is very very helpful. I spent a good two hours with him explaining and educating me of everything. I felt I’m in the right hands. When I received the details of the procedure, it is really overwhelming. I got afraid, I have a lot of what ifs. I even considered keeping it but then I am not sure what kind of life I can give the baby. So I decided really that I have to do it.
I followed everything John said. I made the payment, purchased additional medicines, scheduled the procedure. I rented a place for couple of days as it is too risky doing it at home with my family being around.
The father of the baby is supportive enough to help me complete the procedure. I can’t afford to let anyone know about it. He helped me without any hesitation. I started the fasting, followed all the instructions.
Day 3, is the most stressful and critical day. Lying on the bed for seven hours, hungry because of fasting, cramps, are what I have experienced. I felt warm liquid coming out of me. After seven hours, John allowed me to stand up and check my diapers. I have the feeling of defacating and try to do it in a basin. When I removed my diaper and tried to do it in the basin, I heard a sound from a hard material. And there it was, the baby with the cord attached to the placenta. I’m 11.6 weeks when I did the procedure, so there is a body, arms, legs. I felt mortified, shocked. I want to cry but no tears came out. I don’t want to look at it. When I have to wash it, I kept on saying sorry and that’s when my tears fell. That is the most difficult part as I have to take a photo of it and send it all to Alex. I told John that it is heartbreaking but he told me to be strong, that he is with me. He allowed me to drink water and eat. I slept for couple of hours and when I woke up, my body felt like nothing happened but my heart is broken. It was the next day that John confirmed that the procedure is a success. The word “Congrats” was there but I don’t feel like celebrating. I am a sinner forever, I killed my own flesh and blood. But I don’t feel so much guilty as I think it is the best thing to do.
When I got home the next day, I can’t sleep. The image of the baby is still on my mind. Everytime I have to use the comfort room, I can remember everything. I have sleepless nights, I can’t eat properly, what have I done I kept asking myself. I tried my best not to have any emotional connection with the baby, it is just impossible, that is mine, it is my own. But then I have to let go and move on.
September 7, the week after, I decided to hear mass in Baclaran church. I prayed for my baby’s soul. I cried while praying, I asked for forgiveness. And I felt quite good and I promised myself to pray for the baby everyday.
To Alex, John and the entire team, I can’t thank you enough for all the help and comfort I have received in this battle. I really felt that I am in good hands.
To all ladies who are about to go through this, please please think of it carefully. A strong mind and controlling emotions are really necessary for this. I am not encouraging everyone to do this but if you decided to, follow your consultant as they know what they are doing. It’s ok to have fun, but do it responsibly. I promised myself that I will never do this again and be more careful in the future.
To Kisses, ( that’s what I called the baby, the smallest black thing as the father is a black guy) please forgive me, us. I cannot give you a good life, everything will be chaotic that’s why I have to let you go. I’m really really sorry. You will be a part of me forever.
We’ll have a lot of battles in this life. We’ll make mistakes, but don’t forget the lessons we’ll get from it and do not commit the same mistake. But then, I have to pick up myself and move on. Pray and seek guidance all the time. This experience will haunt for the rest of my life, but life must go on. I have to let go , move on and be a better person.
-E , 30, BPO Team Manager
” Take hold of your future or the future will take hold of you.” – P. Dixon
PROJECT 486: A Patient’s Reflection on Her Medical Abortion Procedure (Abortion Pills: Mifepristone and Misoprostol or Cytotec) in the Philippines XVI