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To cope with the range of emotions that our patients undergo after the procedure with the abortion pills Mifepristone and Misoprostol or Cytotec , we encourage them to make a reflection about their experience and share them with us and the world ( their identities kept confidential). A “reflection” will help them unload much of that emotional baggage. This activity will surely help them a lot as they embark on the road to a full recovery and to a new beginning. Here’s one reflection from R.K. a 19 year old student from Bulacan, Philippines. Click here to see her exchanges with her assigned consultant
When I found out that i was pregnant, i was totally in great shock. I was scared, confused, worried and dying all at the same time. I am very young. I was not ready. I feared that if my parents find out about it they will surely be mad (they’d kill me–and my boyfriend) and I dont want them to feel that they’re “only hope” was just a frustration. I will surely have to stop my studies if it came to that point and thats a thing that I would never like to happen. I have dreams and that dream includes finishing my studies and making my parents proud. I dont want to be a failure.
So to make the long story short, me and my boyfriend decided to have an abortion. I made sure that I wont have to go and see a doctor for a check up because it might change my mind, I didnt want to get attached to the thing inside me. I was so desperate. We searched for possible ways to do it in the net and ended up trying herbally induced miscarriage from a site in google. But that didnt gave me a positive result. After two weeks of doing it, still, nothing happened. We were so down, didnt know what to do and was almost suicidal. Until we found a blog written by someone who experienced the same thing that im going through.
We started contacting her through email and after telling her that the herbal abortion failed, she sent us a message suggesting us to contact Project486 (firstname.lastname@example.org). She told us that Proj.486 is a network of pro-choice health professionals who distribute genuine abortion pills and would guide me all throughout the process. We were running out of time. I knew that the longer the pregnancy goes, the harder it would be for me to get rid of it. So we sent proj486 an email asking for help.
After sending some details, proj486 assigned me to my phone consultant who explained to me that i have nothing to be afraid of. He told me everything that I need to know about medical abortion. Of course at first I had doubts but they made sure that they already told me everything that may happen and what should i do. It is also through them that I got the access to get the abortion pills which is the only clinically proven way of inducing a miscarriage. Well, not to mention, of course as a student, i have very limited resources and my boyfriend just started his work by that time, if you know what i mean.
It was never easy. I had to sacrifice eating and even attending my classes. Of course, I had to do it on my own. My parents should never discover what i was about to do. You know the feeling when You really should avoid stress and then suddenly ending up having all kinds of stress at the same time. It was hard but I should be strong and stress-free for the procedure to succeed. By that time I also had to give time for my school projects and get ready for a defense. But I should still devote my time for the process.
At taking the first pill, i felt nothing. The next day was harder, specially the fasting. Then came the time when I had to take the next pill. After almost 3 hours of taking it, i started feeling the pain. A pain more like dysmenorrhea but worse. Unexpectedly, blood came pouring out, and thats it. My consultant said that it is a rare situation to have the success of the procedure that fast. Project 486 never failed to monitor me at this difficult time of mine. I asked them a lot of questions and never failed to answer me. Their guidance was priceless. They gave me much their time. If it weren’t through them, I would still be in great trouble.
After the process, I was confused. I dont know whether to feel happy or be guilty. All my life i’ve been taught that what I did is something wrong. But I’ve been thinking of getting on with my life as i have planned it. I dont want my parents to go through this same problem again. I know that it might kill them, literally. I’d rather die than to see them feel that way.
As expected, I felt range of emotions, like depression, sadness, loss, and even blamed myself for what I did. At the same way I felt relief knowing that my parents would never have to know what happened and what i did. Every time i see a baby, i feel my conscience knocking on the doors of my mind. I was jealous. I never had the courage to let the baby live. Our baby. Am I a bad person? Yes, maybe. I thought so myself. Me and my boyfriend had fights, real bad fights but what striked me was what he said.. He told me that it was just a challenge for us. Maybe the biggest challenge we’ve faced so far. After this, we’re gonna be stronger than before. For we’ve faced the worst, so there is nothing that we can’t do after surviving this.
At the end, I realized, he was right. And after all, I dont want to raise a child unprepared. Because if I become a parent someday, I would like to give my child all that he needs. I would like to give him all the best that I could. If it happened now, I would never be able to do that. Aside from that, I am still able to give my parents the honor that they deserve for being such hard-working parents through finishing my studies. And hopefully someday, get a job and be prepared for everything.
I don’t want my child to feel that he’s the reason that I was never able to achieve my dreams as if it was him who ruined my life. It is better that I did this now so that when the time comes, my child would never have to feel that way as long as he lives. My experience was eye-opening. It made me learn many things, made me aware of what the truth is about abortion, and made me realize that its not bad to think for myself. Through this I hope more women would have the courage to make their choice and not be scared of doing whats better for them. “This too, shall pass” as my professor would always say and yes, it did. Now I can get on with my life, be the same me, but wiser and stronger, and never to do the same mistake again.
— R.K. , Student, Bulacan, Philippines
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“Take hold of your future or the future will take hold of you” – P. Dixon
“Getting the right information is winning half the battle.”
PROJECT 486: A Patient’s Reflection on Her Medical Abortion Procedure (Abortion Pills: Mifepristone and Misoprostol or Cytotec ) in the Philippines I